GCSE: English Language: Writing to Inform, Explain and Describe Coursework

"An absolutely amazing story. I was lued to it the whole way. Great use of vocabluary, and you didn't drag it. I doubted that fact though, when you went in to how you got locked up, but it ended quickly and effectively. I gave 4/5, and I would have givven it the full 5, if there was a more complex chronological order, which is part of the specifications given by AQA in order to get at C or above. Thanks, greatly inspiring."

"Found this essay helpful in my research. as i am also doing an essay on this subject it gave me some helpful pointers. thanx Gabi G"

"This is so good....got me an A* when i scripted my essay to look like such..and used some of the same ideas...didn't copy it though...that would be plagiarism.. but i still got an ace mark...the writer of this is obviously very good at what they do xD"

"excellent"

"This is a very good story, especially for GCSE level, so well done! However, there are a couple of problems. For one, you fall into the common trap of showing rather than doing. There is a lot of 'I did this' or 'I did that', and it gets very repetitive and dulls the flow of the story. Try and rephrase certain parts of it - rather than 'I got up and I looked around', perhaps 'Getting up, I surveyed my surroundings'. Secondly, I would like to see more intense imagery in this piece. Currently it's clear what the images are, but it feels like an incomplete painting. Conveying the smells, the physical feeling of the locations would be a bonus, and this leads me to my third point - I dislike your similie in your last paragraph regarding the sun shining off the knife. It feels clumsy and is pretty ineffective - I'm sure you could find a better image. Finally, it would be great to see you use punctuation to get a rhythm going that aids the piece. The first paragraph is meant to be bewildering for the protagonist, so use short sentences and hyphens to convey a sense of disorientation and haste, among other tools. TSR User: chidona"